I know there is shit going on inside of me that I have no control over. That being said and known, I feel like I always did and do. My brain has changed in the way I look at everyday things but I’m still the same guy I was before some asshole told me I have cancer. The pain in my back and stomach remind me daily that I have cancer but if not for that I wouldn’t know/think about it, I wish I wouldn’t think about it and in general I don’t but it’s inevitable that I do. I mostly wonder what is next. Each day seems about the same as far as pain goes so if that doesn’t change I think that’s just how it will be from here on out and if that were the case I can deal with that. I sometimes have to puke these thoughts out to get to the other side. My honey is my root, my girl, my life that keeps me pushing forward mentally. That love is so fucking good and strong. Nothing else like it. Our life together is the best thing this life of mine has known and I am a lucky mother fucker to have that and known, felt and been in. The love of my life. No words can ever describe it but we know it, we feel it, we live it. The best.
Anyway, I don’t feel like I’m gonna die. I feel alive, sharp and my mind is better knowing this fucked up thing is in me. Weird. It takes something like this to open your brain into something that that is a better way of processing and now it’s only for a limited time? Fuck that. I am living. Living till I die. Oh wait, I’m not special. Everyone is doing that except I have a slightly better odds of knowledge of my approximate time left. I’m gonna use it god dammit.
I’m trying to read this while you are excitedly telling me about a new band you like, Video, off Jack White’s label of course. Ha! I love the weekend. I love every minute with you…always have…good and bad. You even make cancer interesting.
I guess it’s better not to know these things in advance because it is a Mind Fuck. But nobody knows what this day or the next or the next or the next holds. All I know is my extreme desire to be with you every moment. But you know and I know that has nothing to do with your crappy cancer. Do you mind if I call it crappy?
So in the meantime, let’s listen to Video’s, “No Art” over and over. Go Broncos. Go Jeff. I love you.