PerfectenCancer – Perfectenschlag

I got work to do

Just checked out the mighty Perfectenschlag on my PC and realized my ipad was on no-rotate when i took all the latest photos for posts so they are sideways. I will have to go in today and rotate each fucking one individually. Oh well. Been pretty rough the last week or so for me. Fucking pain, fucking discomfort, fucking cancer sucks. If one thing isn’t bothering me something else is. Today and yesterday seem ok. Back hurt this morning but is getting better. I want to get back into posting on here daily. It makes me feel good no matter how insignificant it may seem. For me it settles my brain.

I individually rotated each image on my pc and they all looked right. Then I get back on my iPad and they are all sideways. wtf?

Hell Day

Monday was a bad day. Over the weekend i felt great like almost normal. I was looking forward to getting up early Monday and starting my day. I woke up nauseous feeling. I had severe fever symptoms with upper body chills that lasted all through the day and night. I was never able to feel warm. I was achy to the point of never feeling comfort. I stayed in bed most of the day and night. Chemo had reared its after effects again, even weeks after my last treatment. I never would have gone back for a second round had I known this could happen. Come to find out the drugs can stay in your system for 2 months following. I sweated it out sometime in the night and woke up yesterday much better. I was still weak but not chilling or sick feeling. Today I am even better. Pouring down rain this morning. Thunder upsetting the girls. Lots of work to do but it will get done. Meeting with someone today that may be able to make days like Monday easier. I don’t want to do the things that remind me my time could be near. I want to do things that remind me I am me and I’m alive.

Pain sucks

The last 3 nights have been not good for me. Afternoon starts with pain coming on in my back that only seems to increase as the night goes on. My usual dose ain’t cutting it. Late at night I’ve had to double up to get any releif. This morning I feel pretty good. No pain. Mornings have been my favorite for a while now but now more than ever I like the morning. Coffee, a smoke, some internet radio, the dogs, a record, and a fire always feels good.

Today I see the doctor. It’s going to be all about pain management. No more chemo for me. If I can get a handle on this pain I will be good.

Sami Yaffa reached out in response to my tweet to him about the Michael Monroe show in Sellersville PA and said he would hook me up. Feb 16th is the show. Waiting to hear from the venue for front row seats. We’ll see.

Pain, Life, Death, Living

I know there is shit going on inside of me that I have no control over. That being said and known, I feel like I always did and do. My brain has changed in the way I look at everyday things but I’m still the same guy I was before some asshole told me I have cancer. The pain in my back and stomach remind me daily that I have cancer but if not for that I wouldn’t know/think about it, I wish I wouldn’t think about it and in general I don’t but it’s inevitable that I do. I mostly wonder what is next. Each day seems about the same as far as pain goes so if that doesn’t change I think that’s just how it will be from here on out and if that were the case I can deal with that. I sometimes have to puke these thoughts out to get to the other side. My honey is my root, my girl, my life that keeps me pushing forward mentally. That love is so fucking good and strong. Nothing else like it. Our life together is the best thing this life of mine has known and I am a lucky mother fucker to have that and known, felt and been in. The love of my life. No words can ever describe it but we know it, we feel it, we live it. The best.

Anyway, I don’t feel like I’m gonna die. I feel alive, sharp and my mind is better knowing this fucked up thing is in me. Weird. It takes something like this to open your brain into something that that is a better way of processing and now it’s only for a limited time? Fuck that. I am living. Living till I die. Oh wait, I’m not special. Everyone is doing that except I have a slightly better odds of knowledge of my approximate time left. I’m gonna use it god dammit.

80’s Punk Rock Morning

listening to an 80’s punk rock internet radio station this morning on the new receiver. Nice. Got up this morning feeling almost excited to weigh in sure that I was going to see a pound more but instead lost a half pound. Downer. But, I am not gonna give up. I ate toast, cereal, and some oj. Will make myself drink a shake in a few. Feeling good. Cold as hell outside. Some work to do this morning, gotta get the mini figured out (battery), food for tonight, and hopefully some fun. 80’s punk is my favorite. Black Flag, Circle Jerks, Blondie, Suicidal Tendancies, Ramones, Dead Kennedys, it’s all good.

I’m done with Chemo

I tried it again on a lower level hoping it would not affect me in a way like the first time. The first couple of days seemed fine but the last two days have been hell. High fever with all the extreme fever side effects. Sore, cold, chilled, fever, headache, etc. This is not how i want to spend my time left here. It makes NO sense to me to continue chemo. Why would I want to feel like shit to live a little longer, feeling like shit? I don’t and I won’t. Whatever time I have left I will spend feeling as good as i can, doing the stuff I want to do. Without the chemo, I have symptoms but they can be controlled to a degree of reason and I feel like myself. That is the life I choose. I want quality over quantity.

Big work day

I have a lot of appraisals to do today. Normally I would look forward to getting out and getting it done and I do still but in the back of my mind I am a little worried about my stamina. I drank a shake and glass of oj this morning so I hope that helps me. I will stop for lunch todsy too. Only 4 appraisals but they are spread out in a wide range. My mind feels strong. I hope my body can.be too today.

Cold out today. Time to get ready.

Drone video

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Happy New Year 2016

me and the dogs hanging out listening to Michael des barres morning show. Cold outside. Johnny not feeling too good. He had bad night. Seems better this am but a little Pukey. I feel good. Bad night for me too after drinking two shots of fireball. Instantly killed my lower back and stomach. Went to bed early to let girls have fun and party. Got up before midnight to give my honey a kiss. She was grumpy.

Great day

Yesteday was a great day. I still woke up sore and in pain but got through that. Did some work and went through day, evening time came, I decided to smoke some weed. Normal usually but this time my mom was here! She smoked some and vaped. Turned out to be the funniest thing I can remember happening in some time. She is really a good sport and so damn funny. We all laughed and had a great time. I slept better than I have in months.